What in the actual hell was that dumpster fire of a movie? Exorcist: The Believer has to be one of the most astonishingly terrible cinematic experiences I’ve ever had the misfortune of sitting through. I don’t know who greenlit this trash, but they should be fired into the sun.
It starts by bludgeoning us over the head with some half-baked backstory about the dad having to tragically choose between saving his wife or daughter after an earthquake.
Then we get two dumbass teenager girls wandering into the haunted woods because…reasons? They light a candle, try to summon a ghost, and presto – they’re possessed! Thisrated-R possession must’ve been crazy because we don’t see any of the good stuff.
The parents spend a few days looking for their demon spawn kids, who randomly turn up in a barn, obviously. And they’re just kinda like “oh hey honey, you’re back, cool cool.” No freaking out about their kids’ thousand-yard stares and bodily gashes. Nope, no issues here!
Of course, the kids then start doing cliche demonic things. Hard to believe, but Victor STILL doesn’t cop onto them being possessed at this point. It takes the neighbor/nurse/ex-nun to be like “yo, your kid knows about my abortion – she’s possessed, my dude.”
Long story short, a bunch of jokers try and fail to exorcise the demons, including a blind lady courtesy of one of the demon kids. It culminates in the church refusing an exorcism and one of the kids randomly dying. What a massive middle finger to both demonic horror and basic coherent storytelling!
The Exorcist: Believer makes horrible sequels like Exorcist II: The Heretic look like a masterpiece. I want those 2 hours of my life back, but more than that, I want the money I spent on this cinematic war crime. Do yourself a favor and pretend this unholy abomination never existed.
